I’ve always admired in full regards the character trait of meekness. I found myself as a chronic people pleaser who despised any form of conflict struggling at times on how to differentiate between meekness and my inner warrior spirit. I’ve gained through age, experiences, and spiritual maturity more of a clarity in understanding my inner strength as a child of God. I understand that delicate balance of humanity with grace in meekness, yet I understand through God’s authority in my life his spirit to speak up in taking a stand without pride when need be.
Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
Matthew 5: 5
Born This Way or Training?
I promise you I won’t quote any Lady Gaga lyrics to her pop hit Born This Way! I can say that growing up as the only girl around my maternal side of the family I felt like I was being trained from birth in being the peacemaker, accommodater, and a coaxed people pleaser with being around so many strong personalities. Yes, most children have household tasks and chores to complete. However, I noticed I had the responsibility to clean not only our home, but I was charged to take care of many tasks at my grandparent’s home as a child. It wasn’t such that I didn’t respect the responsibility of handling chores, but more of the fact that my brothers and male cousins had a free for all in not really having to do the same in being able to do as they pleased. I learned that it was my place to take on the bulk of the weight without ever questioning or speaking up in not wanting to be looked as being disrespectful.
My maternal aunts could say some cruel and hurtful things at times in conversation especially to family members they thought wouldn’t give them a challenge with their harsh jabs. I would oftentimes share with my grandmother and my mom in my teen years how that wasn’t right and how mean spirited their tone was especially to my Uncle with special needs, but they would always end it with” That’s how they’ve always been.” It was like saying to a young girl just ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen. I always admired my Grandmother’s gentle spirit, and I hold my Grandfather dear in being a strong male figure in my life. I was around the two of them alot in seeing their interactions. I must admit that there were times I wished my Grandmother would’ve spoken up more towards my Grandfather when he talked out of line towards her, made him be more accountable for his actions, and made him at least call her by name when communicating to her. I learned through their example it was best to numb the truth of reality for the facade of peace.
I found myself in later years of my life finding safety in being the buffer in being extra bubbly in inducing affection in hugs, ” sugar”, jokes, and prompting an occasional line dance at family functions to relieve tension. I became the fun loving friend that could take a licking and keep on ticking in always having an open door if even the most toxic friend wanted to comeback without apologizing in an attempt to reconnect with glossying over. I was the go to employee that could multitask with any assignment with surface ease of composure in being able to balance whatever was asked without given pushback. I knew my worth, experience, and expertise within being a speaker and emcee, yet I wasn’t bold in the early days to set an honorarium. I will never forget a six hour gig that awarded me a thank you card and some red beans and rice from their New Orleans theme in a gift bag for hosting! I found myself experiencing physical and psychological abuse in some of my relationships with men that I’m just starting the fully process to thoroughly heal from. I found myself in dating and in marriages choosing men subconsciously with being a similar ” type” in appearing safe but covert with their dominance in knowing I would deal with little to no fuss in overtly catering to their needs, sulk in silence with their actions without arguing, and equally strive to please their dominant mothers in the hopes of being loved and accepted. I found myself not wanting to be the sassy bad girl in playing it safe through being extra bubbly. I searched for my worth through viewing myself through a production driven lens in over working myself to something physical sickness. I established some friends and relationships that weren’t healthy for me that extended passed their expiration date in enduring much long term damage.
The Voice Of Truth
It took many years to get to this point to unashamedly speak my truth in opening up about my past, my flaws, and insecurities through being vulnerable. I don’t play victim of circumstances or association because I take ownership for my role in all the situations above in not acting in courage to take a stand for which I actually could’ve. I am far from being submissivly passive. I just struggled in learning how to find balance with setting boundaries through hearing distinctively God’s voice and being able to walk without fear in expressing my own voice consistently. My mom didn’t raise me to be timid. My tiny inner voice begin to speak up in spurts as a child. My inner voice as a grown woman whose been through somethings begin to speak in words and actions with the understanding of being meek and not weak.I was the little girl that stood up to my aunts in calling them out on their actions in Grandma’s livingroom. I would convince Grandpa on our road trips through inquisitive questions to self reflect on how he treated Grandma in asking how would he want the future men in my life to treat me. I’m unapologetic in releasing friendships and connections that are contentious, unreciprocal, toxic, and draining. I have no problems with having a come to Jesus meeting or a heart to heart with anyone. I also developed a tribe that love me flaws and all in just being myself. I have walked away from jobs that I knew were dead end, yet worked me to no end. I have spoken up to the most intimidating supervisors in being realistic with given assignments, responsibilities, and expectations. I’ve found a healthy balance in giving of myself through service in volunteering and knowing my worth in being able to officially negotiate the services I provide. It’s been a year since my husband and I separated. I’ve made the decision to heal, seek help through spiritual counseling, and love me before entering a relationship to love anyone else.I found the courage in my past to leave the relationships that weren’t good for me, and I honor the gift of goodbye in not chasing relationships that ended with equal measure. The warrior spirit of David, truth of Martha, the compassion of Ruth, the courage of Moses, and the wisdom of Solomon I reflect on in my daily journey as a woman chasing after God’s on heart to be meek and not to be weak acting in guidance of the Lord’s strength.