I must admit that there are somedays where I feel on top of the world in growing into my own juggling life and kids. However, there were some periods in my life where I found myself soul searching in trying to cope through challenges in difficult seasons in understanding my true worth as a woman. There’s no bigger identity crisis of losing the depth of understanding your worth than losing all you’ve known in starting over fresh, coping from a major disappointment, having your child view you as ” the bad guy” when they’re trying to cope in finding someone to blame when things don’t go as planned, or healing through the process of a divorce. I’ve experienced all of those things in a recent sea of events within a year were I grappled inside in fighting the feeling of worthlessness .
I am your Creator, you were in my care before you were born. Isaiah 44: 22
It can happen subtly in losing who you are from relationships, environments, and everyday influences reaching at our attention to tell us who we should be in our roles as women. I found myself from a ten year marriage as a wife, a dual caregiver ( having a spouse living with a chronic illness and having an autistic child), a mother of four, and in searching to create my own unique lane as inspirational writer in a sea of ” on brand” empowerment life coaches attempting to stretch my inner voice to ask ” Mini, where are you in there?” I’m a sensitive soul who can be very hard on myself sometimes; it was that sensitive soul inside that felt smothered from expectations as a recovering people pleaser. I took any interpersonal objection personally. It was as if in my mind there was something I had to be giving off to recieve the opposite energy of what I wanted to attract around me. I knew who I was in what was needed to fulfill the needs to do for others, but I lost the initiative to see what I needed to know in loving myself.
For we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works. Ephesians 2: 10
You loose a lot in ending a marriage despite the investment which simply using the word “hurt” is an understatement. You loose family ( or what you that was family), friends,your norm, and the committed promise you made to one another in vows during the divorce process. I don’t think it’s an easy calculated decision for any spouse to make in leaving their spouse no matter the difficulty within the marriage, but it feels like the decision was made on a whim when you’re on the receiving in. Many wives find themselves in trying to create harmony in at least appearing on the surface that things at home are going great despite financial difficulties, strain of unreciprocal roles, making the kids happy, and sometimes dealing with toxic family members ( or for some in-laws) trying to make it work with being overly accommodating in which feels draining, especially when the end result is a failed marriage. My eldest daughter took our separation the hardest in the beginning. She was informed on a visitation with her father unknowingly to me about the “why” her parents separated; she was consequently feeling as if she needed to choose sides with Mommy being the one to blame. I was disappointed in discovering how it wasn’t an intimate family discussion with both of us as parents and all of our children, to better clear the air in beginning the healing in transitioning with our respective new norms. You learn during the dissolving of a marriage that some family members and mutual friends easily choose a side in some very hurtful ways. It was the lowest I’ve ever felt internally fighting depression in feeling not good enough, rejected, shame, guilt, and I felt unworthy in losing who I was in trying for years being everything for everyone else.
Why even the hairs on your head are numbered. Fear not you are of more value than many sparrows. Luke 12: 7
I’ve learned through the healing process in understanding God’s love and calling for my life as his child, a mother, and as a purpose filled woman that I’m worthy of love along with all the blessings God has to offer me.
I remind myself on my rough days in knowing my true identity with understanding my worth with these affirmations.
- I am a child of God.
- I am loved, I have the ability to love, I have permission to receive love, and my life reflects love.
- I am forgiven. Jesus Christ died for my sins. He is my Lord and Savior. His grace is sufficient.He found me worthy by giving his life on the cross.
- I am good enough. I don’t have to prove who I am for anyone whose destined to be apart of my life.
- I am strong. I may not be immune to not having weaknesses, but I am not WEAK by no means in knowing all that I have overcame.
- I have a right to speak up, take a stand, and to advocate for my needs and wants.
- I don’t fear rejection in taking it as a personal attack no matter the depth of closeness of the relationship. Rejection can be for my protection or open the door for a rewarding opportunity.
- I am beautiful inside and out in aura and presence. I don’t have to adjust my inner light for anyone’s comfort or projection.
- I have a right to add, adjust, or remove in looking out for what’s best for me in company, environments, and influences.
- I have the right and responsiblity to selectively choose and cultivate rewarding relationships, friendships, and connections that are healthy for me.
- The weight of my worth isn’t determined by the hierarchy of my associations, elaborate opportunities, or worldly admiration, but by the measure of my heart in living my purpose.
- I don’t fear endings as being failures, but as opportunities for growth.
You’re worth more than gold, and let nothing or no one make you think any different.
I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139: 14