Journeys In Motherhood, The Balancing Act

Juggling Motherhood Through  COVID: My Personal Journey

I do my best to stay positive in being able to adapt through unpredictable circumstances in managing my family. The onset of living through a pandemic took the world by storm including me as a mom. I’m able to keep my four kiddos upbeat, structured, entertained, and I went through great lengths to ensure they were coping healthy with having their norm flipped through the pandemic. I begin to notice that in ensuring everyone else was okay at home that I kind of forgot about my own needs with coping in being overwhelmed in now being over three months in navigating through COVID as a mother in balancing many other roles. I am far from being super woman in having taking off the cape a while back in admitting that I’ve had some challenges and struggles in juggling motherhood through COVID with it’s demanding nonstop, extra, and heavier load in carrying along with my personal life’s changes.

Hey Mom !

My twins who follow me throughout the home.

I’ve noticed that my children pull on me more with wanting attention, comfort, and wants since COVID. They’ve had a few minor sibling spats in being in each other’s company more than having the outlet to connect with their friends at school. They’ve also formed a tighter bond in what I’m assuming helping each other cope. I admire that they are having more dialogue in listening to them talk on topics, playing creative games together in our home and yard,  laughing together, and my eldest two step up in caring for their little twin sisters. I’ve noticed like a mama duck that wherever I go throughout the house my three girls follow especially the twins. My oldest daughter really missed her friends at school, and I could see she so over COVID messing up her preteen life. My son adopted me as a substitute for the first two months with practicing his football drills and skills, I love tapping into my inner “Tom Boy” with him, but a few times he must have forgotten I was mom that he now has a few inches of height over in throwing the ball so hard it knocked me down. Yeah, I still feel that football play. He tries his best to be the strong big brother, but I could see that when it passed two months with rumors that there wouldn’t be a season he got down with being more irritable. I usually heard ” Mom” about fifty times a day, but we may have reached a record in now hearing them call out to me over hundred times with ” Hey Mom!” with trivial disagreements, mishaps, and ” Look what I can do!” moments. My daughter with autism has been extra clingy in not wanting me out of her sight, she’s had several meltdowns in trying her best to express how she’s feeling, she grabs her little bookbag each day in thinking every time we put on clothes she’s heading out the door for school. I hurt when my children hurt honestly making me extra stressed when I can’t fix it for them. 

Repairs, Health Scares, New School, and Finalized

The look when life has you in roller coaster moments.

The world may have slowed down with COVID, but my personal life was in full speed. It seemed like our home went from needing one repair after another from the heating /air units, the girl’s toilet, and more costly repairs that I don’t want to mention. I threw in painting the downstairs because the twins had their way with sketching on the flat paint. I have been cleaning our home more in due diligence with the pandemic, but the truth is kids create magnetics for germs. I noticed that I had a lump in my left breast in April. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment in which the doctor’s decided to do a biopsy scheduling it the week of COVID’s apex. The biggest upset was my ex had me removed off of the health care insurance before finalizing our divorce later gaslighting me when confronted. The biopsy came back negative thankfully. The same week of the biopsy I was surprised to learn about a new position at a different school that will allow me to share in teaching fine arts, the bonus of having all three of my daughters to join me in the building, and the school has a special autism program for my daughter to participate in. I was surprised and elated to be offered the position to transfer. The school also has a great reputation in student achievement, it’s family centered, and the working environment appears to be healthy in being conducive to teaching. My anxiety heightened in announcing my transfer from my current school in fear of backlash from administrators and peers, but many of the staff were supportive in congratulating me in understanding why I accepted. There were some mixed feelings by the principal, but I hold no bad blood towards her in being grateful for her allowing me to work at the school in doing what I love for two years in having fond memories of my time there. Lastly, the mediation for our divorce was scheduled virtually through Zoom in being now finalized after nearly two years of separation. My heart ached, my eyes lowered in disappointment, anger spewed within my gut, and my mind was in disbelief when I saw the signature of my now ex-husband’s name on our decree before I signed off on our agreement. It’s been a frustrating two years to say the least, and it hurts having someone leave you in pursuing a new life after you’ve invested in merging your life with theirs as a wife and caregiver (My ex lives with sickle cell) towards them. However, I’m glad that the up in the air limbo state of separation is over hoping for a brighter future for myself and my children. I also hope he follows through with the arrangements, responsibilities, and the agreement without excuses. The roller coaster events that I experienced through COVID had my anxiety at an all time high, I was secretly mentally out of sorts, and I was physically drained which had my menstruation a month late from stress. I could barely produce content in having lack of focus for my blog in being distracted by the needs of my children, changes in my personal life, and home management/ repairs as a newly single mom.

On A Good Note

Things are starting to settle down with our new norm at home along with COVID around our area. My son is back to football pratice with his coaches in being one of the captains. My daughter is involved with a wonderful fine arts camp virtually through her afterschool program that takes up a full day that she enjoys. Her two besties reconnected with her in talking on the phone everyday, sharing videos, and she shared her first girlfriend outing with her bestie for her birthday. I created a flexible learning scedule for the twins and I  that allows them to learn, be active, have fun, and it tires them out at the end of the day. We continue as a family to share in precious moments like our afternoon walks, backyard pool splashes, bible study, and family fun nights. I’m truly doing my best to make it work in taking it day by day here at home management, healing, and taking care of myself more. I’m looking forward to a positive school year at my new school with my daughters. I’m not looking for love per say, but I’m learning how to love myself through self-compassion. I don’t know what life post COVID will be, but I will walk in it with the resilience I’ve garnered from lessons learned in this season.

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