In truth many of us have been there where we initially connected with someone in the hopes of establishing a true friendship that ended badly. This seems to be very common amongst women. The friendship chemistry seemed instantaneous as if our hearts shouted,”Where have you been all my life?”Later, we find ourselves disappointed in hurt as the transition of a once seemingly genuine friendship sours into akward tension. We chose to ignore the red flags for various reasons that were screaming at us that this was a friendship that not only wasn’t going to last, but it wasn’t going to end on the best note.
I define a “friend fling” as an intense connection and interest of two adults in a mutual desire of becoming friends at the time due to common interests. You may have striked up a conversation while watching your kids playing on the playground. The two of you united for a common cause for a work project, volunteer event, venture, or auxiliary at church. You both shared common hobbies which later introduced you to one another, and the after Zumba class conversations were endlessly engergic. Maybe one or the both of you admired each other from a distance via social media or etc, and you decided to reach out to get to know one another more. You may saw someone in dire need of support, and you established a connection by lending a helping hand. All of those examples are common and in pure innocence in connecting. We later wonder what made the friendship go wrong.
Many of our quick connections and friendships end abruptly or badly for the following reasons:
- We move in way to fast. You can’t make a bestfriend overnight.
- We share our vulnerabilities to soon. We share our personal information, insecurities,secrets, and our past to soon in the beginning.
- We don’t really know one another. We call each other “friend” to soon without truly getting to know one another.
- We don’t allow space. Yes, you can have to much of a good thing. We go in heavy at first in communicating and interests without allowing things to happen gradually.
- We have unrealistically high expectations and hold a sense of entitlement. The best of people can fall short with disappointing us without intention leaving us room to give them grace. No one should hold the pressure of providing our every longing and need. Positive friendships survive after establishing healthy boundaries, free will without dominating from one party, and gives without expectation of paybacks.
There is nothing worse than once sharing a personal backdrop from a heavy conversation about your past to someone you thought was a friend who later you find out can’t “hold water ” as my mom would say. It felt good at first when you connected with someone you thought supported you in your ventures within your purpose. She gave you the impression that she “really believed ” in you, and she was one of your biggest cheerleaders. It’s devastating to see a few weeks later that “friend” throwing you mad shade, heavy criticizing your every move, and feeling the heartbreak of somone trying to break your spirit. You both connected while you shared in personal struggles of difficult times, but as your situation improved for the better your friend turned on you as if you were her enemy. You may have thought your “friend” was encouraging in giving you advice, and you later find out that she’s domineering in controlling you for her personal gain. You thought that since you cared for a friend in supporting her through a difficult time that she in turn would be there for you, but later you saw in your struggle she wasn’t there. Breathe friend, and count your losses. There were red flags all alone that your heart made your mind cover to ignore.
Take heed of these red flags in a friendship to save yourself from heartbreak. Don’t be afraid to address if necessary in saving the friendship or walking away if you have to:
- She’s very defensive, moody, judgmental, irrational, and combative making you feel like your walking on eggshells.She attempts to control you through guilt and shame.
- She constantly speaks bad about others, gossips,and spitfuly tears others down.
- She plays the victim using you as an emotional dumping. She also chooses to never take ownership on her part in mishaps or miscommunication. She constantly points the finger at others in creating weird alliances, and you fear that if you “cross” you will be next spotlighted bad guy.
- She is manipulative to you and others. You always feel shorted or duped following a meeting like she got one over on you. Also, you see her taking advantage of others.
- She is jealous making sure she doesn’t miss an opportunity to put you down or throw passive aggressive shade. She makes sure to police your ever move to show she’s the better or more wiser person.She sends pointed or direct messages to you in conversation or social media.
- She is a user taking advantage of the friendship when it’s of convenience for her.
- She is controlling. She holds the friendship as ransom. She retaliates by speaking bad of you to others or distancing herself when you don’t march to the beat of her drum.
- You feel indebted by her martyr personality for anything she does for you. She either makes you feel gulity in bringing it up to you, others, or makes you feel gulity by listing her to do list of things that were of more of importance than being there for you.
- She doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. She pushes unreasonable demands, she pries you for personal information,calls anytime of the night, drops over the house without calling, and she assumes you’ll be at her every beck and call.
- She’s proven she’s untrustworthy through deceit and disclosures. What you tell her seems to “magically” leap out in being retold to you second handed.
- The friendship is one-sided. She can critique you, but you bet not dare give her words of advice. You are the only one making a conscience effort in communicating and connecting while she could careless. You’re there for her, but she’s rarely there for you.
- She doesn’t value your friendship letting you know that you are easily disposable at her whim.
- Something just feels off when you’re together or when you leave their presence . Your gut intuition assures you that something is off and that she really not a friend.
Always be prayerful in establishing and maintaining friendships. Trust your judgement, intuition, and don’t ignore the red flags.